It's the sparkling week of Christmas. Lots to do, so much to get ready for, and I'm trying to wrap up a few work projects and it's really killing my holiday buzz.
Sure: Be sensible and tap-tap-tap on the computer, while your darling cat snores in the corners, presents wink at your from the corner, and allll that ribbon you found on sale is in the bag, waiting to wrap said presents. Schedule appointments post-Christmas and New Years when you have family coming in and the place needs to be cleaned from top to bottom and the meals planned and that special mysterious breakfast casserole created and all that chocolate and peppermint to play with.
Mm, well, I'm trying my darnedest and it's not going so well. My usual anxious tendencies fluctuate between ecstasy and exhaustion as I try to be a big girl during the biggest kid holiday of the year.
And to top it all off, on the midst of all of this there is something else, the Thing I want so badly.
Most of us have wish lists this time of year, but this item is one I've been working on for quite some time now. I've wished for it, dreamed about it, worked for it. But it's not up to me when I'll get it. And that's weighing on me pretty well.
Because of the public nature of blogs, it's not good for me to name this Thing here. Sufficient to say, I want it quite badly, and that got me thinking.
This Thing I've been wanting, I've prayed about it, agonized over it, doubted it, and wondered if it was the Right Thing. Everyone I talk to says it is, but then I wonder if they're telling me the truth, and then I stop listening to what they say.
And this is what it comes down to and this is why I'm writing about it over Christmas-- do I want God as badly as I want the Thing? Because I am so good at wanting things. Given a bank account and the free reign, I could fuel the economy all by myself. But given my current desire for a Thing has made me wonder if I crave God as deeply.
When I pray, do I pray for wisdom and love and God himself as much as I pray for the Thing? I so often snivel along, begging Him for the Thing, when He must look at me so quizzically and say, "What you want is not the Thing, but the thing you want, I've already given in Myself. Haven't you noticed I'm here?" And I must whisper, "I'm sorry, I forgot."
Because, see, what I want isn't the Thing, but I want w,hat I think the Thing will give me: joy, love, creativity, even power in some ways. When in reality these are the things that only God gives, the things are media, tools, and conduits, but not The Thing itself.
Sigh. So I find myself with the classic Christmas conundrums of the I-Wants,and I've got to be honest, I have been feeling them so badly lately.
So you know what I'm looking forward to this Christmas? Time to rest from the I-Wants, and time to reflect on the I-Haves. I've got my work cut out for me as I work for the the Thing, but what I also want to do this Christmas is not so much worry about that Thing, but look to the One Who gives all things and just rest in that. Yeah, because more than what I say I want, He knows what I need.
No comments:
Post a Comment