What I'm Supposed to Do

I grew up in a home where a strong sense of what one was "supposed to do" was upheld as a basic requirement for existence.

One was "supposed to" take showers every morning and every night.

One was "supposed to" take vitamins every day.

One was "supposed to" say "Yes sir", "Yes ma'am", and always have a good attitude.

One was "supposed to" go to Church every Sunday, have quiet time every day, drink 4 glasses of milk and eat a variety of foods from the food groups.

A lot of supposed tos.

I think a lot of those "supposed tos" came from my mother's training as an elementary school teacher. I'm always amazed at the absolute certainty that school teachers, especially elementary school teachers possess. They project the message that, "Obviously, the world works like this" and it's pretty much their job to enforce it within the next generation. And they do.

It's good to have rules, norms, and expectations. It gives us guidelines for how to behave and generally live. But also, as I get older, the concept of certainty gets a little weaker. It's one thing to be taught norms and expectations as a child, it's quite another to experience all the exceptions to the rules as an adult.

I struggle with that a lot as I juggle marriage, home, work, family, friendships, church, and other responsibilities. I find myself asking, "What am I supposed to do?" and I find there is no elementary school answer.

Do I take every opportunity that comes my way? Do I turn them down? How do I know which decisions are the right ones, when they all seem to offer good opportunities and great benefits?

And how long am I supposed to be chasing my tail?

While I was wrestling with the knowing, the supposed-to-ing of it all, I came across a prayer in Lauren Winner's fantastic book Girl Meets God, about her conversion from Judaism to Christianity. In her own hyper-anxiety and questions about life and faith, she remembers a prayer said in her church that brought her back to basics: "And now, Father, send us out to do the work you have given us to do."

She was talking about prayer, saying how we need to ask God's help to do the very thing we know we need to do but so often don't feel like doing. Oftentimes, we know what we're supposed to be doing, but our feelings, our spirits resist. And this is why, then, we pray for God's help.

Since reading that, it has become a frequent prayer for me: "Oh God, help me to do the work YOU have for me to do; not simply that which I feel or deem to be important, but what You want. Teach my heart, my mind, my eyes to value the things you value, and to do what it is You've created me to do."

I pray that prayer, most of the time without lightening strikes or neon signs...okay, always without those things. But I'm trusting that in the process of praying that prayer, God is shaping my heart to love what He loves, and to pay attention to the work He's created me to do.

For me, that means writing, even when I don't feel like it.  Taking care of our home, even when...argh! I really don't feel like it. Loving and looking after The Hubby even after we've had a tiff, making time for prayer and reading of Scripture.

It's not a legalistic thing; I don't think that things bring me a jot or tittle closer to Heaven. Hopefully though, what they do do, is bring me closer to God, make me more familiar with Him. These things, these things He loves, also make me the person He created me to be.