Such a contradiction in terms.
This morning, this week I've felt so depressed, helpless, in the face of busy schedules, multiple responsibilities and old-fashioned deadlines. Granted, it doesn't take much to make me feel overwhelmed, so I say this with the understanding that all stress is relative. Regardless, I've been stressed.
And when I get stressed, I like to neatly slice away people from my life like a New York deli. Paper-thin layer by paper-thin layer, I shave away feelings, emotional engagement, and even physical contact from those I love. I retreat to safe places--well, they seem safe--where I can stick my head in the ground without anyone around.
I get angry, too. Lately I've had so much bottled up rage, it's been difficult to cork, so it comes out in little bursts. But still it churns and I can't seem to get over it.
I took most of the day off from work yesterday (it was Palm Sunday), and tried to take some time to emotionally detox and sort out where this negative energy was coming from--why was I so frustrated? Why was I pushing away people--people whom I know are in states of need right now--instead of engaging?
So my exasperated prayer this morning asked God for the root. And I found the answer in my readings this morning:
"Unfortunately, I tend to expect people I love to behave in ways I would...to make choices I would.Or at the very least, to seek my advice and adapt their decisions based on my feedback. When that doesn't happen, I sometimes translate it as a lack of love. In those difficultthe moments, it seems safer to close off parts of my heart when I feel rejected or not validated. But I've learned that's a very lonely way t live. And it's far from the way God wants me to love."
This from Glynnis Weaver's blog on Proverbs31 Ministries website.
This went hand-in-hand with my readings from 3 John and Jude this morning:
"Dear friend, when you extend hospitality to Christian brothers and sisters, even when they are strangers, you make the faith visible" - 3 John 5.
"Relax, everything's going to be all right; rest, everythings' coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!" and
"But you, dear friends, carefully build yourselves up in this most holy faith by praying in the Holy Spirit, staying right at the center of God's love, keeping your arms open and outstretched, ready for the mercy of our Master, Jesus Christ. This is the unending life, the real life!" - Jude 1, 20.
Such a contrast to the state of my heart.
I realize I become controlling, fearful, and anxious when I am busy and overwhelmed. As a kind of OCD person who likes her hospital corners, I become tense when I sense I'm losing control. So I resent anyone who makes it quite clear that I've lost control. When I'm confronted with others' losss and pain, I'm ashamed to say I sometimes resent it. Because there's nothing I can do about it.
Not that I could do anything about it when I'm not busy; but I sure as heck feel all the more helpless when I am.
But God's not asked me to fix or control. He's asked me to simply love. To simply hold out my hands; waiting for mercy and giving it as a I receive it.
So today I pray that I'll be able to hold out my busy , fidgety hands, and even try to pry them off mine and others' circumstances. I'll wait for love, and I'll wait for mercy--the divine things that can only received and given and not controlled.
This is freedom. This is joy. And true love.
Amen
